Byrdie C. Lee, we were privileged to know you.

When I was thinking of becoming an Episcopalian, I made sure to do my research. I read every book I could get at my local library, I read every church website, I scoured the sermons and Sunday morning discussions that I could find on the internet. One of the things I researched most closely was how Black Episcopalians were viewed and treated in their denomination and if I could have a place in it too.

While I was doing my research, I came upon a talk at the Diocesan Cathedral by a remarkable woman who seemed to love history and telling the story of black Episcopalians. Her name was Byrdie Lee, and hearing her speak so passionately and interestingly about Black Episcopal history was intriguing to me. So when I walked into my first Episcopal Church coffee hour a month or so later and saw her standing there speaking, I recognized her voice immediately. I shook her hand and told her that it was an honor to meet her and that I knew who she was. She looked a bit puzzled by how I introduced myself but she was gracious and welcoming and as soon as she sensed interest on my part she immediately tried to recruit me and get me involved with the Black Episcopal community in Ohio.

Over the past few years I was blessed immensely by her strength, her wit, her sharp mind, and most significantly, her faith and love. She loved us so much, black people, The Episcopal Church, and each one of us individually. She wanted us to thrive to grow, to stand up, to believe. We were so lucky to be in her presence.

I was so lucky to be in her presence. She took me to my first UBE meeting. She gave me advice on how to speak better. She showed me how to be a better Liturgical Minister. Gave me books to read, and told me her stories. She was one of my sponsors when I walked down the nave of Christ Episcopal Church in Shaker Heights to become a member of the Episcopal Branch of God's One, Holy, Apostolic Church.

We were so privileged to be in her presence. And as ones who she loved and believed in, let us all dedicate ourselves to live up to the great faith Byrdie C. Lee placed in us.

I think this experiment with Will isn't going to working out. Their are moments when it shows promise, but last night the feeling that I'm being strung along by a person who doesn't really care about me became overwhelming. It hurts a lot. I really don't want to give up. But it feels like I'm harassing the poor guy, and I know I can't make him like me. I don't know....

I wonder if this is a good idea?

If I talk to the Bishop and the local Parish Priest and maybe the head of the vestry about my desire to begin my discernment process with them, in advance, would that work? It seems audacious, but it might be a good idea.....

Why do I love him? The things that make Will "Will", that make up who he is from day to day, from how he looks to what he likes, ring in my soul like a beautiful, bittersweet song. It fills me with an ache, a longing, a desire. This isn't always a nice feeling, but it is powerful, and it will not let me go. But I do not want it to. Instead I want to live with this song in my soul for as long as we exist, he and I.

Moon shot.

The Oxford dictionary defines a "Moonshot" as "An extremely ambitious and innovative project".
The term is based on the early Lunar missions of the US, and how they conceived to reach the Moon in their spacecraft. It involves calculating the gravitational pull of the earth and the Moon, the momentum to be gained from orbiting the earth, the perfect alignment of the Earth and the Moon and the trajectory of the spacecraft in between, bridging the distance. It's difficult, but the worth of a moonshot was and is incalculable. And, most importantly, it's possible.

For a variety of personal reasons, I've made the decision to be ordained in the Episcopal Diocese of Western Michigan. This would be good news if it were not for the fact that I live in the Episcopal Diocese of Ohio, and am getting long in the tooth as it were. I love Western Michigan, it's my homeland, the place that always calls out to me. And I'd love to return. But it's a costly move and making enough money to move takes time, furthermore, it takes a lot of work to do.

I'm not one for taking leaps of faith. I believe in God, but I also believe in responsibility and consequences. I spent my whole life suffering because of the reckless but well-meaning decisions my Mother took that didn't work according to plan. That's part of the reason I'm in this situation to begin with. But I also know that the only way I can accomplish my dreams is by putting myself out there and taking risks.

So, here's the plan. Starting next month, I'll put between 150-300 dollars a month in my savings account each month until I'm done paying off my bills. Then I'll save between 750-900 dollars a month for 2 years after that. This money will go towards 3 things. First, it will go towards purchasing a car, which will give me mobility. Second, it will go towards paying for college. Third, it will go towards paying for the move. This will not be easy. But I believe in a God who can work miracles. That faith has been buffeted over the past 8 years, but it's still there. So I put my life and my future in his hands, trusting that he will help me to accomplish my goals and dreams fo bettering myself so I can better serve Him and His people.

So, you want to be a Priest?

I've wanted to serve God as a pastor and preacher since the 4th Grade. I've never lost sight of that goal completely, and it's where my heart and soul is oriented. The process in the Episcopal church is a lot more difficult than it would be if I were a different kind of denomination, but it's something I don't mind going through. My problem is I'm wondering how to integrate my personal life into my ministry. First, I see my inadequacies for this so clearly. I am not disciplined enough. I'm not hardworking enough. I lack the social graces, the facility with language, the requisite knowledge that other people have. I am temperamentally conservative in a denomination which rewards those who are temperamentally progressive. I'm theologically moderate in a denomination that prizes and rewards unorthodox thinking. The list could go on and on and on.

But more immediately, I'm thinking about being yoked to an erratic person as my life partner. He's truly the love of my life, but there is nothing about him that conventionally would seem attractive. He's a big, burly, hairy guy who smokes, and seems to swing wildly between being a self loathing side B gay who rejects the validity of gay relationships and is solely devoted to his theologically conservative church, and a agnostic, or rather anti-church, young man who wants nothing to do with organized religion. He can't meet me in the middle, which is troubling to me.

But even as I'm writing this, I feel like scripture is running through my mind. I think about the Apostle Paul saying that his strength is made perfect in his weaknesses, and how he boasted in them because through them he could show that it wasn't him but the God in him who was at work in his life and ministry. Not by his own strength, wisdom, or capacity, but by God's. I'm also reminded of the story of the prophet Hosea and Gomer. Gomer did not seem like the best option for a man like Hosea. She was a prostitute, a woman who would have lived on the edge of her society, while Hosea was a prophet. And in their relationship, a casual observer would have seen their skepticism to be well-founded. She often left him and cheated on him. Even after they had their first 2 kids. But he loved her. And always went back for her, always took her back in, always left himself vulnerable to her. And God said that this love was like the love that God had for Israel. And later in the Gospels, when Paul states that those who are married should love one another as Christ loves the Church, he's alluding to stories like that of Gomer.

There is nothing I can do to prepare myself fully for the journey ahead or the work that I believe that I am called to do. All I can do is throw myself into the merciful hands of Almighty God and let him do his good work in me until it is accomplished. So my prayer is that God would take my life and my love and mold it to his service. I know that if I put my relationship with Will and my personal life in his hands, he will transform me into a person who can participate in the amazing work of being a presbyter in God's Universal and Apostolic Church. 

Things Will likes. Flying.

Will loves flying. He loves the check in, the crowds, the anticipation, the boarding procedure, take off, the food, everything!

Definitely have to take him on some flights in the future. Definitely going to Germany.

Me? Gaming?

I've never been much of a gamer, but the guy I like excels at it, so I'm interested in learning how to play. My goal is to learn to play some games over the next few years.

Here's a list of games I might be interested in.

Rayman legends
Journey
Zelda
Life is Strange
Dunwall/corvo

I hope I can find other games, especially ones I like.

Do I want this? Yes, I do.

So, it's been an interesting weekend, lol.

I had the opportunity to travel back to my homeland. I ostensibly went to enjoy the beaches and sunlight that I believe should make Michigan renowned the world over as a tourist destination. But in reality, I went to see Will, a friend who I'd like to be more than friends with. Our relationship has been long, drawn out and complicated. We're both awkward and sensitive personalities, both anxiety-ridden. I might be slightly depressive, while he has been diagnosed with OCD, Anxiety, and Bipolar Disorder-2. Add to that we're both from rural Michigan and products of a very intense, moderately conservative Christian background and you've got a recipe for dysfunction.

Yet I keep being drawn to him, like a moth to a flame. I know he's not my only option for a relationship. I'm handsome, I'm loving, I work hard. I'm not perfect by any means, but I'm not bad. So I could have other people in my life. But Will is always on my mind. He's the first guy I ever really fell for, the first guy I've ever wanted to be in a relationship with.  I love his sensitive, caring nature. I love his intelligence, his simplicity, his compassion, his work ethic, his ability to bounce back from adversity. And he's a cute guy to boot. He's a gentle giant, at least to my short self, lol.

So when I decided to reevaluate my life after breaking up with my boyfriend of almost 3 years, giving Will another chance quickly became top of mind. I wasn't sure if he was interested, but in March, he contacted me and let me know he might be. And so that inspired me to make plans to see him, which I did.

We met. It was so awkward! And it was so wonderful! And it's left me feeling so discombobulated!
The awkwardness was our conversation. We talked about deep, painful things quite a bit. We were very vulnerable to each other, something we're not used to doing. It was hard. But we did it! The thing that made it wonderful was the intimacy we shared. Again, this is not something either of us is used to, sharing our bodies with others. We tasted each other's tongues, we brushed our lips together, I swallowed his cock and licked his balls, I caressed his nipples, I tasted his precum. I inhaled his smell. We held each other tight. It was nice. I loved it. And I loved being with him.

I feel discombobulated because the mixture of awkwardness, intimacy, and vulnerability, was coupled with a vagueness about where we stand. It's not a formal relationship yet, which I desperately wish was the case, but it's more than just "bros being bros". And I'm not sure if he's about to call the whole thing off or call me to tell me we should get married. This is anxiety producing because I hate uncertainty. I'm always visioning and calculating my future plans, constantly updating and reevaluating my next steps. What I'm I planning to do in the next month, in the next 5 months, in the next year, in the next 5 years.

And I hate wanting things I can't have. When that's the case, I usually put it down in my mind, search for flaws, for why it isn't worth it in some way. All so that when the final disappointment hits, the blow won't be as painful and debilitating as it otherwise might have been. But it's one thing to numb yourself to objects and opportunities. It's another thing to numb yourself to people, and I don't want to ever numb myself to Will. He deserves all of me, unfiltered. And I deserve to be in a relationship where I can be vulnerable with someone.

So, this lends itself to the question, is this what you want? What you really want? It's not an easy situation, and the outcome isn't certain...

We sat at a place called Lookout Point. Will sat next to me, mostly staring silently ahead. Sometimes stretching. He then reached out and kneaded my lower thigh, just above the knee. He asked me if anyone had ever done that before. I told him that he had, once long ago. We were silent again. Then he asked me what I was thinking. I told him that I was remembering that he had tried to kiss me the day that he had done that to me the first time. Then I looked him in the eye and asked: "You like me, don't you?" "Yes", he replied. After another long silence, I asked him what he was thinking about? "I was thinking that I really want to kiss you", he said. "You can kiss me now if you want", I replied. And he did.

Is this what I want? Yes. And is he who I want? Yes, I do.

I wonder as I wander out under the sky....

Something miraculous happened to me.
On April 11, one week ago today, William Schlichter messaged me back. I cannot express to you how amazing it was to talk to him and have him respond! I can't believe I got so lucky.  He scares me, I always am waiting for the other shoe to drop and for him to tell me this was a mistake so I can go back to the safety of him as fantasy and phantasm rather than him as fact. But my heart dares to hope that love can spring from such an inauspicious and unlikely beginning as ours. I'm going to take this one day, week or month at a time. I love him, even though I'm afraid to say that to him directly, lest I scare him off. But I hope i can tell him this one day and have it be words Will cherishes. I hope.

One thing I realize about myself is that I like the idea of immersing myself in another people or culture. I like the idea of being a part of soemthing fully and completely. I guess that makes me picky about the tyoes fo communities I engage with, because I want to be able to fully embrace a community with everything I am. This goes for professions, religions, careers, places I live. I feel best about things when I feel like I'm part of a community I understand and find interesting,

I had a dream last night which was all kinds of complicated, but partially revolved around being a successful, professional black person. A young man named Robert appeared in my dream who I knew from college, a young man named Jordan, also appeared, who I also last knew from my college days. A mysterious neighbor lady was there too, who I found intriguing cause she was a very friendly neighbor type who in the dream had gotten tired of my natural introversion and stand offish behavior of which I'm fond, and was essentially giving me my space, even though at the time of this particular dream, I was ready for more attention.

 This got me thinking about becoming a professional, academic personage. In my old life, this was the goal, to become such a person, but as the years have passed and my career has stalled, this goal has seemed more remote, less realistic. But in the next 3 years, God willing, I'll be at a point in my life where such a possibility will become a realistic prospect. So how do I get there? How do I become the man that I used to wish to be? How do I gain the discipline and insight to prepare me for those years of work? Writing as I'm doing in this blog, is  a great part of it I think. Being willing to learn and be educated is another great part of it. Making professional connections, such a great part. The ocean that is Academia was water that I thought I might learn to swim in,which I haven't mastered yet. But I know this is the place where my talents can be best cultivated. I hope that in the near future, I'll be able to communicate more effectively, and become better at writing as a whole. 

To be Human as Jesus is Human.

Was reading today about Jesus during his final preparations for his ministry. It's interesting to note how Jesus chose to be baptized even though he knew he was not in the same spiritual state as the others who came to receive the baptism of John. This radical solidarity with sinful human beings, instead of an assertion of his own spiritual superiority is what leads to the public, audible, and visible anointing of the Spirit. Yet even after this, Jesus doesn't decide to play up this great blessing. Instead he chooses to go deeper into the desert, separating himself from the possible adulation of the crowds, perhaps to contemplate on the full import of what this anointing means. He meets the devil 3 times out here, according to the story, and these encounters with Satan, these temptations, seem to have been  about whether to live like a human being as a servant of humans, trusting in the Father in the same way that he hoped his fellows would do, or to use his extraordinary power to live a superhuman life of self reliance, which being God he was surely entitled to do. Jesus chooses to live that life of uncertain, but faithful, service to God and man, throwing off the prerogatives of divinity to enter into deep solidarity with us and to be an example for us. One of the great questions that I have in my life is what to do about my future? I'm on the cusp of making a decision to be a social worker, something that I could be good at, if I were willing to be vulnerable, work hard, and live a life of service. I hope to pursue the ministry as well and to live it the same way. The problem is that I'm not sure how secure such a system will be for myself. I've lived so long barely getting by, cut of from others and my dreams, it's hard now that I'm at the cusp of escaping this situation to imagine living a life of solidarity and sacrifice and vulnerability for God and others. It's hard for me to accept how deeply I've changed as a person since dropping out of college 7 years ago. Especially in the negative ways, despite some good faith efforts not to. To become a better, more loving, wiser, more mature version of who I was at my best, means that I have to make myself more dependent then I've been in a while on God and on a wider community. But I have a great example in Jesus who,
"being in very nature^[a] God,
    did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
⁷ rather, he made himself nothing
    by taking the very nature^[b] of a servant,
    being made in human likeness.

And being found in appearance as a man,
    he humbled himself
    by becoming obedient to death—
        even death on a cross!"
(Phillipians 2:6-8)

I hope to remember this.

I’m reading a poem by Chen Chen about an incident when he was 13 where he ran away from home after telling his mother he was gay. It was haunting, beautiful, sad as such poems can be. And my primary reaction to this beautiful poem is; are you happy now? Did you get to enjoy your life so far?

I think things like that. Deep thoughts about peoples happiness. I'm pretty sensitive in this way. I'm always wondering after the happiness of others, or at least that's what and who I am at my deepest core level. A boy who looks at the world and wants to see everyone smile. 

I think that I've been trying to harden my heart to survive the pain of sympathizing/empathizing with others for the last 10 years or so. I got my soul ripped out and then twisted and stomped on by life and learning, so I've been trying to fight the pain and sadness by numbing myself to the worlds problems. My most authentic self is a person who is drawn to the pain of others, who thrills at the poetry of longing and at the grand gesture or sacrificial deed. Nothing pleased me more deep inside than to empathize with the suffering of others or to help alleviate said suffering in some way. But increasingly my toleration of this is fading. As the fantasy of others pain has become more of a reality, and as the sufferings of my own life have become more noticeable and acute, my willingness to tolerate anything that would evoke emotional pain has diminished. 

I think the bargain my soul was prepared to make in life was: let me accomplish certain goals (education, vocation, love) and in return for these I'd bear the pain of the universe and sacrifice myself for everyone. Let me be fulfilled in these ways and I'll pour out my self as a living sacrifice. A martyr if necessary.But instead, my shortcomings and failings and weaknesses and lack of opportunities seem to have outweighed my virtues and talents, such that instead of doing and being great, I'm living a life of drudgery. And I think a life of drudgery is the thing that my psyche most loathes. It's the thing my soul cannot bear to live a life of drudgery doing things that I don't find enjoyable or inspiring, for a paycheck for the rest of my life.

What happens when a loving, sensitive, melancholic, people pleasing, empathetic little boy has all of his hopes and dreams, all of his verities and certainties and expectations crushed by life and his own failures? That's me.

I often feel like a ghost, like a shell, like a half of a person. i'm desperate to lose myself in something greater than my self. To lose myself in the pain and pathos of others. To represent something powerful and meaningful and good and true and beautiful. But I can't find a place where that's possible. Everywhere I look is half of what I want never the whole. And I'm sorely disillusioned.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Right now I'm feeling tired and hopeless and confused and irritable and lost and sad and annoyed and frustrated and all around discombobulation. I feel like a sad pathetic loser. I almost feel a headache coming on. I feel alienated from God and humanity. I feel like a creep and an atheist.

I'm going to be 28 next month. This August will be the first anniversary of my first year of college. What a fiasco. A whole decade of my life wasted. That's how I feel. I gained, but I also lost so much.
I should have two Bachelors Degrees and a Masters by now. I should be transforming the world. That was my destiny when I was 18. I'm 28 and I don't have a degree, I don't have anything. I've got ungrateful strangers living in my fucking house, I've got a job that beats the shit out of me each day, I've got a religion that's a fucking nightmare. No friends, no love life, a silent or oppressive and unjust God, annoying and homophobic family.

Sometimes I wish I were the type of person who was suicidal or something so I could see my way out of this feeling. But I'm not. I'm just a guy who endures. That's all I am, a fucking endurer. I just take the blows of life and because of who I am, I get no comfort from it. I have no choice BUT to endure. I'm incapable of giving up! And sometimes I want to be able to throw in the towel but my soul would never allow me to do that.

This is what my future looks like best case scenario 10 years hence. I'll have graduated from college. 20 YEARS after I started college,k I'll have graduated. BEST CASE SCENARIO!!!!!! I'll be just starting my fucking life at age 40, probably struggling to take care of aging parents. Spending my time at fucking funerals.

The only thing that makes me happy is food, fantasy books and sleeping. Nothing else gives me even a modicum of pleasure or joy. I'm completely joyless. ALL I have is the hope of knowing that at some point in the distant future, if nothing major goes wrong, I'll have the CHANCE at a good life.

SO now I'm going to fill my body with junk food and endure another day.

When the glory comes, we'll tear your kingdom down.

I've been thinking a lot about DACA this week. And as I reflected on the horror of what it is Republicans are trying to do, the rank immorality and evil of their immigration policy, and the lives of people i know who would be directly affected, I couldn't help but to despair of this country. But as I worked the Lord gave me some songs to bolster my courage. The first was "Glory" by John Legend, the second, "Satan We're Going To Tear Your Kingdom Down" by Rev. Shirley Caesar. Both of these songs are songs of hope and defiance, letting the Republican doers of evil know that though our hearts may be broken our souls never will. And that God himself will come down from the heavens to fight for the rights if the foreigner, the widow, and the orphans if need be.
      And we'll cry "Glory"........

Short thought.

Was just reading Hebrews 8 this morning. Something that caught my eye is how much Hebrews 8, especially the last few verses,  seems to have affected Quaker thought and rhetoric. I also noted that these particular passages are a quotation from Jeremiah 30 in which god describes his New Covenant. In it, God's laws are put in peoples minds and written on peoples hearts, nobody tells each other about the Lord because "they will all know me from the least of them to the greatest". This all leads me to think that the primary sources of Early Quaker thought were the General Epistles, the Gospels, and the book of Acts. I see little reliance on the Pauline Epistles in Quaker theology and thought. Which is probably what makes it so heterodox.

On my Mind.

So, I was searching for a glimpse of the almost boyfriend yesterday, and I came upon a dating site which featured a person I knew from high school. He listed himself as bi, and into casual sex, and my first reaction was deep lust. I crave giving someone pleasure, and I crave being in a relationship. I crave sex in a way that I wouldn't normally crave it. It's weird. All stemming from the fact that the person I'd like to be in a relationship with is nowhere to be found. 

My New Years resolution for this year is to become the kind of guy that would seem like a catch if you met them. So that means improving myself physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I need to take this year to work on myself, build up my body mind and soul and transform it. I need to lose 60 pounds, start regularly paying tithe, transform my diet, create a consistent spiritual discipline in the manner of Friends, And start paying my alma mater back. It's a tall order, but I believe in a living God who has power and will help me to accomplish all of these goals. So I lift up all these goals to him.

My main motivation is preparing my heart soul and mind for a life of service to God, but I'm also motivated by living in anticipation of finally meeting Will at the right time in his life and being able to offer him a  relationship with a godly loving person who is healthy. I don't know why I care so much about doing this for him, but I do. I really do. I guess because I think about the first time I told him I was gay and how scared we were, and you know what? I think we deserve to be as happy as possible.We deserve it.