I'm frustrated right now.
Sometimes it seems like I'm forever destined to striving, but never achieving my goals. Cursed to always be doing things that I have absolutely no interest in for the sake of survival, either that or die of starvation.
I just went online to look at scholarships and grants and it felt like there was absolutely nothing there for me. None of those programs seemed to be ones that I could use in any way. None.
It has shown a light on the rarefied nature of much of my current academic and career goals. I still want to do them, but I'm starting to feel like I'll never have the opportunity to because of lack of finances.
I hate to rely so much on the help of others, but I'm not working for t he big bucks as it were. And so my life is dependent on the largess of family members, and I feel like my future freedom to live my life independent of their worldviews, confident in my own morality, is seriously at risk.
I need to break free!
But I can't get free. And I don't know what to do.
I just want to do what is right. What I believe is right. And I want to receive the kind of education in which the few talents that I have can be maximized to meet the needs of a future career in the fields that I find to be interesting. I want to succeed so badly, but not at any price. Not by selling my soul for cheap to any one for any reason. And I am so scared that I might have to. Because I know that I would lose to much of my self in such an arrangement.
To any who may read this int he future, this is not a request for sympathy or advice.
This is just my\e getting my fear out.
I'll survive.
Sometimes it seems like I'm forever destined to striving, but never achieving my goals. Cursed to always be doing things that I have absolutely no interest in for the sake of survival, either that or die of starvation.
I just went online to look at scholarships and grants and it felt like there was absolutely nothing there for me. None of those programs seemed to be ones that I could use in any way. None.
It has shown a light on the rarefied nature of much of my current academic and career goals. I still want to do them, but I'm starting to feel like I'll never have the opportunity to because of lack of finances.
I hate to rely so much on the help of others, but I'm not working for t he big bucks as it were. And so my life is dependent on the largess of family members, and I feel like my future freedom to live my life independent of their worldviews, confident in my own morality, is seriously at risk.
I need to break free!
But I can't get free. And I don't know what to do.
I just want to do what is right. What I believe is right. And I want to receive the kind of education in which the few talents that I have can be maximized to meet the needs of a future career in the fields that I find to be interesting. I want to succeed so badly, but not at any price. Not by selling my soul for cheap to any one for any reason. And I am so scared that I might have to. Because I know that I would lose to much of my self in such an arrangement.
To any who may read this int he future, this is not a request for sympathy or advice.
This is just my\e getting my fear out.
I'll survive.
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