Tuesday, November 21, 2017

On Debt.

When I graduated from high school in 2008, I was already in debt. At that moment, I should have put my foot down and come back to Ohio and insisted we as a family pay off the debts I owed before going any further. It might have taken a year or two, but it would have been paid off. If I'd gone to CSU afterwards, I would have earned my bachelor's degree by now. Might be finishing up my graduate degree.

I write statements like these, but would the above scenario have been a good thing for me to do? What would I have lost in the process?

Right now, I'm at another crossroads in my life. For the first time since I was forced to move back to Cleveland in August 2011, I have a job that can pay me well enough to give me a chance to put a dent in all the debt that I owe. My plan is to pay my debt back regularly for 2 years, then cut a deal. If my Mom helps out, I'll have paid enough by then.

My future will suddenly take on a new sheen. What was once seen as impossible will become suddenly possible again. The end or reduction of debt for me means being allowed to participate in my world again, being able to work for something other than surviving and paying off debts.

So, on this day, which happens to be Thanksgiving Day, I praise God for his presence and love, for his handiwork in all of creation, and for the promise of freedom from all debt. May it be realized in my life. Amen.

Monday, November 20, 2017

Back to square 1. Or is it square 3?

I've been thinking a lot lately about going back to the turning point and choosing another path. This blog is great for this line of thought because it records precisely where the recent big change in my life happened: 2014.

As I've looked back through the record this blog provides, I'm shocked at how much change was crammed in to one year. I went to a Quaker seminary, joined a monthly meeting, became disillusioned with Quakerism, and joined the Episcopal Church. I began the year disappointed by Will, waited for change, and gave up on the possibility of being with him. I met Corban, fell in love, then committed my life to him. I found out my father had a secret family and met them for the first time. I drank wine for the first time in my first Holy Eucharist.

So much happened so fast....

In light of recent events, I'm wondering if I made the right decisions? I think they were the right decisions at the time, but were they? I don't know.

I'm reconsidering Quakerism and Will right now, and I'm not sure if either, both, or neither is the right path forward right now, but I'm willing to consider the possibility.

2 weeks ago, I was confronted with the end of 2 parts of my life which were very dear to me. A relationship which defined my future path, and a potential move that looked like a solution to the challenges I've faced for almost a decade. But now that those paths forward have ended, I get to reassess my situation from where I was 3 years ago.

I'm financially better off and more mentally prepared to do what's needed then I ever was before.  And mu expenses are low and soon will be even lower. So I'm going to try to view my present circumstances as God opening a door for me, providing a way in the wilderness.

The Lord is my keeper, the Lord is the shade at my right hand......

So, I won't be afraid to search for the Light which, coming into the world, gives light to every man. Or at least, I won't let fear deter me from the search.

Saturday, November 18, 2017

Thinking about my "introversion" and "anxiety".

I've always considered myself to be very emotionally "sensitive". Being anxious and introverted has been part of my  entire conscious existence. I get anxiety so bad that my mind goes blank when I'm doing routine work or chores. I walk around with frequent pain in my chest from anxiety.
But, except for a brief period when I was 4 or 5, I've never considered myself a person suffering from Mental Illness. I've just assumed that most people feel sad or anxious most of the time. 

I talked to my Mom about this, and her response was generally consistent with the upbringing she had. Unless you're unable to function, feelings of depression and anxiety are solved by serving God correctly and praying regularly and constantly. I'm sure that helps, but that response didn't feel like she takes mild forms of mental and emotional distress seriously. I'll try to listen to her advice, but I think I might need therapy. We'll see.

Thursday, November 16, 2017

Bipolar Disorder facts.

https://youtu.be/HByl6pCGEps

WTF: Working on The Faith

Life has been....weird lately. In March, I got the idea that my boyfriend and I should move to New York State because they have free college there now. I make plans to go, and spend the next 8 months preparing to leave, only to find out that I can't go. Oh, and my boyfriend broke up with me. And I'm planning to join a new Parish because of the previous sentence...

Every plan has fallen apart in the last 2 weeks. Everything I thought was going to happen, didn't. I find myself in a weird place, seriously wondering what it is I'm even trying to do in my life.

I, of course, immediately started drafting new plans. I find that making extensive new plans, even if I'm stuck in the same place I was before, is comforting in a way. It makes me feel like I'm making some sort of progress. But at times the illusion is soooo thin.

I guess that in moments like these, I should call on Jesus and ask him for direction, discernment, and help. So I will.

And I'm still in love with Will Schlichter and would literally take him back without hesitation if he wanted me to. Which he doesn't. Isn't that the craziest; waiting for someone who probably is not even considering you? But I guess that's going to be my life for the next 5 years, sitting Shiva, waiting for the resurrection of a damn near impossible relationship.

But you know what? I'll do that. I'm going to work hard, get in shape, try to be a good friend and neighbor, love and serve Jesus and the Episcopal Church, and wait for Will Schlichter to say yes.  

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Will Schlichter

I'm thinking about Will again. You never really get over your first love, do you? Not completely anyway. I wonder if he's  happy? If he's safe? If he's free in body and soul, if never fully free in mind? I think if I knew he was in love and being loved, it would be easier to let him go completely. But as long as he lives a life that sees his queerness as disease, it's  hard for me to leave him to the providence of God.

Saturday, March 26, 2016

Uncle manny.

NAME:Joseph Benjamin
SSN:109347018
GENDER:Male
RACE:Black
BIRTH DATE:30 Oct 1925
BIRTH PLACE:St Johns Bld, Antigua and Barbuda
FATHER NAME:Joseph Sealey
MOTHER NAME:Luisa Benjamin
DEATH DATE:10 Feb 1999
TYPE OF CLAIM:Original SSN.
NOTES:Jul 1960: Name listed as JOSEPH BENJAMIN; Oct 1961: Name listed as JOSEPH OBADIAH SEALEY; 20 Feb 1999: Name listed as JOSEPH SEALEY