Thursday, February 22, 2018
Saturday, February 3, 2018
I'm going to be 28 next month. This August will be the first anniversary of my first year of college. What a fiasco. A whole decade of my life wasted. That's how I feel. I gained, but I also lost so much.
I should have two Bachelors Degrees and a Masters by now. I should be transforming the world. That was my destiny when I was 18. I'm 28 and I don't have a degree, I don't have anything. I've got ungrateful strangers living in my fucking house, I've got a job that beats the shit out of me each day, I've got a religion that's a fucking nightmare. No friends, no love life, a silent or oppressive and unjust God, annoying and homophobic family.
Sometimes I wish I were the type of person who was suicidal or something so I could see my way out of this feeling. But I'm not. I'm just a guy who endures. That's all I am, a fucking endurer. I just take the blows of life and because of who I am, I get no comfort from it. I have no choice BUT to endure. I'm incapable of giving up! And sometimes I want to be able to throw in the towel but my soul would never allow me to do that.
This is what my future looks like best case scenario 10 years hence. I'll have graduated from college. 20 YEARS after I started college,k I'll have graduated. BEST CASE SCENARIO!!!!!! I'll be just starting my fucking life at age 40, probably struggling to take care of aging parents. Spending my time at fucking funerals.
The only thing that makes me happy is food, fantasy books and sleeping. Nothing else gives me even a modicum of pleasure or joy. I'm completely joyless. ALL I have is the hope of knowing that at some point in the distant future, if nothing major goes wrong, I'll have the CHANCE at a good life.
SO now I'm going to fill my body with junk food and endure another day.
Thursday, January 25, 2018
I've been thinking a lot about DACA this week. And as I reflected on the horror of what it is Republicans are trying to do, the rank immorality and evil of their immigration policy, and the lives of people i know who would be directly affected, I couldn't help but to despair of this country. But as I worked the Lord gave me some songs to bolster my courage. The first was "Glory" by John Legend, the second, "Satan We're Going To Tear Your Kingdom Down" by Rev. Shirley Caesar. Both of these songs are songs of hope and defiance, letting the Republican doers of evil know that though our hearts may be broken our souls never will. And that God himself will come down from the heavens to fight for the rights if the foreigner, the widow, and the orphans if need be.
And we'll cry "Glory"........