I think this experiment with Will isn't going to working out. Their are moments when it shows promise, but last night the feeling that I'm being strung along by a person who doesn't really care about me became overwhelming. It hurts a lot. I really don't want to give up. But it feels like I'm harassing the poor guy, and I know I can't make him like me. I don't know....
Monday, July 30, 2018
Saturday, July 28, 2018
Saturday, July 21, 2018
Why do I love him? The things that make Will "Will", that make up who he is from day to day, from how he looks to what he likes, ring in my soul like a beautiful, bittersweet song. It fills me with an ache, a longing, a desire. This isn't always a nice feeling, but it is powerful, and it will not let me go. But I do not want it to. Instead I want to live with this song in my soul for as long as we exist, he and I.
Monday, July 9, 2018
Moon shot.
The Oxford dictionary defines a "Moonshot" as "An extremely ambitious and innovative project".
The term is based on the early Lunar missions of the US, and how they conceived to reach the Moon in their spacecraft. It involves calculating the gravitational pull of the earth and the Moon, the momentum to be gained from orbiting the earth, the perfect alignment of the Earth and the Moon and the trajectory of the spacecraft in between, bridging the distance. It's difficult, but the worth of a moonshot was and is incalculable. And, most importantly, it's possible.
For a variety of personal reasons, I've made the decision to be ordained in the Episcopal Diocese of Western Michigan. This would be good news if it were not for the fact that I live in the Episcopal Diocese of Ohio, and am getting long in the tooth as it were. I love Western Michigan, it's my homeland, the place that always calls out to me. And I'd love to return. But it's a costly move and making enough money to move takes time, furthermore, it takes a lot of work to do.
I'm not one for taking leaps of faith. I believe in God, but I also believe in responsibility and consequences. I spent my whole life suffering because of the reckless but well-meaning decisions my Mother took that didn't work according to plan. That's part of the reason I'm in this situation to begin with. But I also know that the only way I can accomplish my dreams is by putting myself out there and taking risks.
So, here's the plan. Starting next month, I'll put between 150-300 dollars a month in my savings account each month until I'm done paying off my bills. Then I'll save between 750-900 dollars a month for 2 years after that. This money will go towards 3 things. First, it will go towards purchasing a car, which will give me mobility. Second, it will go towards paying for college. Third, it will go towards paying for the move. This will not be easy. But I believe in a God who can work miracles. That faith has been buffeted over the past 8 years, but it's still there. So I put my life and my future in his hands, trusting that he will help me to accomplish my goals and dreams fo bettering myself so I can better serve Him and His people.
The term is based on the early Lunar missions of the US, and how they conceived to reach the Moon in their spacecraft. It involves calculating the gravitational pull of the earth and the Moon, the momentum to be gained from orbiting the earth, the perfect alignment of the Earth and the Moon and the trajectory of the spacecraft in between, bridging the distance. It's difficult, but the worth of a moonshot was and is incalculable. And, most importantly, it's possible.
For a variety of personal reasons, I've made the decision to be ordained in the Episcopal Diocese of Western Michigan. This would be good news if it were not for the fact that I live in the Episcopal Diocese of Ohio, and am getting long in the tooth as it were. I love Western Michigan, it's my homeland, the place that always calls out to me. And I'd love to return. But it's a costly move and making enough money to move takes time, furthermore, it takes a lot of work to do.
I'm not one for taking leaps of faith. I believe in God, but I also believe in responsibility and consequences. I spent my whole life suffering because of the reckless but well-meaning decisions my Mother took that didn't work according to plan. That's part of the reason I'm in this situation to begin with. But I also know that the only way I can accomplish my dreams is by putting myself out there and taking risks.
So, here's the plan. Starting next month, I'll put between 150-300 dollars a month in my savings account each month until I'm done paying off my bills. Then I'll save between 750-900 dollars a month for 2 years after that. This money will go towards 3 things. First, it will go towards purchasing a car, which will give me mobility. Second, it will go towards paying for college. Third, it will go towards paying for the move. This will not be easy. But I believe in a God who can work miracles. That faith has been buffeted over the past 8 years, but it's still there. So I put my life and my future in his hands, trusting that he will help me to accomplish my goals and dreams fo bettering myself so I can better serve Him and His people.
So, you want to be a Priest?
I've wanted to serve God as a pastor and preacher since the 4th Grade. I've never lost sight of that goal completely, and it's where my heart and soul is oriented. The process in the Episcopal church is a lot more difficult than it would be if I were a different kind of denomination, but it's something I don't mind going through. My problem is I'm wondering how to integrate my personal life into my ministry. First, I see my inadequacies for this so clearly. I am not disciplined enough. I'm not hardworking enough. I lack the social graces, the facility with language, the requisite knowledge that other people have. I am temperamentally conservative in a denomination which rewards those who are temperamentally progressive. I'm theologically moderate in a denomination that prizes and rewards unorthodox thinking. The list could go on and on and on.
But more immediately, I'm thinking about being yoked to an erratic person as my life partner. He's truly the love of my life, but there is nothing about him that conventionally would seem attractive. He's a big, burly, hairy guy who smokes, and seems to swing wildly between being a self loathing side B gay who rejects the validity of gay relationships and is solely devoted to his theologically conservative church, and a agnostic, or rather anti-church, young man who wants nothing to do with organized religion. He can't meet me in the middle, which is troubling to me.
But even as I'm writing this, I feel like scripture is running through my mind. I think about the Apostle Paul saying that his strength is made perfect in his weaknesses, and how he boasted in them because through them he could show that it wasn't him but the God in him who was at work in his life and ministry. Not by his own strength, wisdom, or capacity, but by God's. I'm also reminded of the story of the prophet Hosea and Gomer. Gomer did not seem like the best option for a man like Hosea. She was a prostitute, a woman who would have lived on the edge of her society, while Hosea was a prophet. And in their relationship, a casual observer would have seen their skepticism to be well-founded. She often left him and cheated on him. Even after they had their first 2 kids. But he loved her. And always went back for her, always took her back in, always left himself vulnerable to her. And God said that this love was like the love that God had for Israel. And later in the Gospels, when Paul states that those who are married should love one another as Christ loves the Church, he's alluding to stories like that of Gomer.
There is nothing I can do to prepare myself fully for the journey ahead or the work that I believe that I am called to do. All I can do is throw myself into the merciful hands of Almighty God and let him do his good work in me until it is accomplished. So my prayer is that God would take my life and my love and mold it to his service. I know that if I put my relationship with Will and my personal life in his hands, he will transform me into a person who can participate in the amazing work of being a presbyter in God's Universal and Apostolic Church.
But more immediately, I'm thinking about being yoked to an erratic person as my life partner. He's truly the love of my life, but there is nothing about him that conventionally would seem attractive. He's a big, burly, hairy guy who smokes, and seems to swing wildly between being a self loathing side B gay who rejects the validity of gay relationships and is solely devoted to his theologically conservative church, and a agnostic, or rather anti-church, young man who wants nothing to do with organized religion. He can't meet me in the middle, which is troubling to me.
But even as I'm writing this, I feel like scripture is running through my mind. I think about the Apostle Paul saying that his strength is made perfect in his weaknesses, and how he boasted in them because through them he could show that it wasn't him but the God in him who was at work in his life and ministry. Not by his own strength, wisdom, or capacity, but by God's. I'm also reminded of the story of the prophet Hosea and Gomer. Gomer did not seem like the best option for a man like Hosea. She was a prostitute, a woman who would have lived on the edge of her society, while Hosea was a prophet. And in their relationship, a casual observer would have seen their skepticism to be well-founded. She often left him and cheated on him. Even after they had their first 2 kids. But he loved her. And always went back for her, always took her back in, always left himself vulnerable to her. And God said that this love was like the love that God had for Israel. And later in the Gospels, when Paul states that those who are married should love one another as Christ loves the Church, he's alluding to stories like that of Gomer.
There is nothing I can do to prepare myself fully for the journey ahead or the work that I believe that I am called to do. All I can do is throw myself into the merciful hands of Almighty God and let him do his good work in me until it is accomplished. So my prayer is that God would take my life and my love and mold it to his service. I know that if I put my relationship with Will and my personal life in his hands, he will transform me into a person who can participate in the amazing work of being a presbyter in God's Universal and Apostolic Church.
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