I just thought of the fact that Early Quakers were radical because they decided to live like they believed the disciples of Jesus lived. Would I be willing to live such a radical way of life? The answer is probably not, I'm not sure I'm up for that type of radical life. But I'm willing to serve. And perhaps that's the best I can do as a friend and follower of Jesus right now. Just be willing to serve. And maybe over time, I can be transformed in heart and mind to such an extent as to become more and more like the Valiant Sixty, or John Woolman or Bayard Rustin. But for now, Lord, make me a servant.

Spiritual Discipline is hard.

Quaker Spirituality can be tough, because, in modern times, it relies on your own personal spiritual discipline and less on communal liturgical practice to ground you. To be faithful to the Quaker path, I have to embrace a disciplined life. I have not, however, been a very disciplined person in my life. So accepting such a rigorous form of Christianity is difficult for me. But I'm trying to embrace it because I have a number of goals that I'd like to accomplish. Namely, I'd like to live a fulfilled and happy life, and I can't reach that goal if I'm not a disciplined person.

My future happiness and worthiness to serve consist of so many steps. And their are many obstacles, internal and external, in my life that makes it more difficult. The smallness of the fellowship of which I'm a part, the dimmed nature of the light of Christ in my heart and the hearts of my fellow Quakers, the constant barrage of the theological notions of  my family and friends, my inner desire not to offend them or anyone else by more thoroughly and robustly practicing and defending my faith, to despairing at times over what God actually wants of me and other LGBT Christians in this world.

It's hard to be spiritually disciplined when facing so many obstacles to faith.

Sex as sacrificial giving.

Is their such a thing as sexual immorality? I think the record of Scripture is pretty clear that the answer to that question is yes, but what constitutes sexual immorality changes over time in Scripture and outside of it. So it is important to come up with a sexual ethic and hold ourselves to it so as to avoid sexual immorality. So what would it look like for a Christian to live his/her life in a sexually moral way? One way I think we can think of sex in a sexually moral way is to think about sex as a gift that we give to someone we love, instead of a commodity or product that we consume. Our Christian discipline as sexual beings is to give our bodies up as gifts to people to whom we've committed ourselves in some fundamental way. I think a Christian judges sex not by prowess or initial capability or compatibility, but by a willingness to learn about  the other person in bed and being willing to do our best to give of our bodies in a way that pleases our partner. To be living sacrifices ,one to another, as we spiritually are to God.

Exercise.

I need to exercise a lot right now. I'm overweight and I'm worried about the implications for my life. So I'm committing myself to a no fast food, no meat diet starting immediately. I'm going to cook a pot of rice and a pot of lentils and add spinach to both. Only small amounts of salt of course. I love sweet things so that's going to be hard to give up. But I need to take drastic action on behalf of my health.

I need to lose 60 pounds. I plan to lose 10 pounds a month for 6 months starting today, December 14, 2017. I want to do this for lots of reasons. My health first. I'm predisposed to high blood pressure and diabetes, and I have anxiety and stress a lot. I don't want to die young or suffer severely when I get older. So it's critical as I'm almost 30, to start eating well. Secondly, I'm in an impossible love situation. If I want the guys, I've got to look good. Losing weight and being healthy are essential to not only feeling good about myself but looking attractive to others, And at this point in my life, that's important.
3rd, I'm trying to be a faithful Christian, and to do that we have to be a faithful steward of the body God has gifted to us. That means eating healthfully and well, not forcing junk food into my body, getting a good nights rest, and drinking water.

It's an ambitious project, a lot to take on; but I want this bad, and I'm determined to see it through. 

Not feeling great. Tired of messing up, tired of wasting time, tired of addiction to things I don't need.