Monday, January 28, 2013

Thursday, January 24, 2013


Memory is an attitude I think. It is a choice we make to care about our environment. I realized this from a n episode of the radio program "To the best of our knowledge", that was focusing on exceptional memory and how it is achieved. When the host of the show asked his guest what the most important thing about developing an exceptional memory was, he replied that it was being intentional; choosing to remember where you put the car keys or what the things on your shopping list are. You have to be willing to be constantly mindful of what it is you are doing, and how you are doing it. What you are saying and how you are saying it. Only then will you begin to stretch your mental muscles in such a way as to build the capacity for complex memorization.
I hope to keep this conversation in mind as I seek to begin the process of returning to a school environment.
Because I plan to succeed, to be exceptionally brilliant and hardworking. I hope to graduate with honors.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

jesus, lover of my soul

Said to be written around 1712 by Charles Wesley, Jesus lover of my soul is my favorite hymn.
The version in the clip above by Ken Medema is my favorite version of the song and it is the one that introduced me to him. I discovered it very late one night while I was lying in bed listening to christian radio. The thing about this version of the hymn that always stuck with me is the troubled, haunted way in which Medema seems to be pleading with Jesus to come and intercede for him, to come to his rescue. It sounds like a melodious groan of anguish that starts deep within Kens' belly, and slowly but surely reaches through his vocal cords to the ears of God himself on his heavenly throne. I especially love the contrast between his cry for help and his declaration of who God is for him. It is something I find myself doing from time to time.


I'm frustrated right now.
Sometimes it seems like I'm forever destined to striving, but never achieving my goals. Cursed to always be doing things that I have absolutely no interest in for the sake of survival, either that or die of starvation.
I just went online to look at scholarships and grants and it felt like there was absolutely nothing there for me. None of those programs seemed to be ones that I could use in any way. None.
It has shown a light on the rarefied nature of much of my current academic and career goals. I still want to do them, but I'm starting to feel like I'll never have the opportunity to because of lack of finances.
I hate to rely so much on the help of others, but I'm not working for t he big bucks as it were. And so my life is dependent on the largess of  family members, and I feel like my future freedom to live my life independent of their worldviews, confident in my own morality, is seriously at risk.
I need to break free!
But I can't get free. And I don't know what to do.

I just want to do what is right. What I believe is right. And I want to receive the kind of education in which the few talents that I have can be maximized to meet the needs of a future career in the fields that I find to be interesting. I want to succeed so badly, but not at any price. Not by selling my soul for cheap to any one for any reason. And I am so scared that I might have to. Because I know that I would lose to much of my self in such an arrangement.

To any who may read this int he future, this is not a request for sympathy or advice.
This is just my\e getting my fear out.

I'll survive.

Monday, January 7, 2013

On The Elderlings.

I've started reliving one of my favorite fantasy series, Robin Hobbs Farseer/Tawny Man sextology.
It is a wonderful book series, and I hope to spend a little time reviewing it as soon as I'm finished.