Friday, May 2, 2014

Sometimes you get tired of being viewed as a plague.......

I love winning arguments.

So I'm usually careful to only engage in debates where I know what I'm talking about. I had just such a debate going with someone in the comment section of their blog. We were going back and forth.And I had answers to all his arguments. But as I prepared to make another rejoinder, I decided to write it  here on my private blog, but not post it. Because, in my mind, it's his blog, and the fact that I have points he can't really answer, doesn't mean he's going to change his mind. So what is the point? Why fight for my position on his blog and have it end in acrimony if there is no chance of being heard or persuading?

And I left the situation there.

There are a lot of areas in my life over the past few years where I've given up hope of any positive outcome . First it was the school I was going to, then it was the denomination I belonged to, right now its a relationship that keeps almost happening, but is always aborted in the most painful of fashions. You get tired of fighting, tired of arguing, tired of hoping, and tired of waiting. Everyone and everything you love and care about may have hope of improvement, all your hoped for dreams might come true, but apparently not as long as you are a part of them. It's like your only hope for personal happiness is to abandon everyone and everything you've had in your life and start over. New Schools, new faiths, and new loves. And you have to stop caring about their relationship with you, or if they are happy. You have to learn to shrug and say: "fulfilled or not, it's your business. I could care less."

I've been able to take that position with my old school, and my old church. Able to leave them to their own devices and not be concerned very much about their future, as I no longer plan to have any part in them.

But institutions are much easier to give up then people. It's in situations like these that Universalist Salvation theology makes sense. I'm tired of being an exile. I'm tired of feeling out of place.I'm tired of spending my life anticipating the final disappointment, the irrevocable breach. I'm tired of having to give up on the future I've always known, only to have it replaced by a swirling void of uncertainty. I've had to give up on so much, just once I'd like the thing that I want to be available and open to me, and the people that I love to stop viewing me as a plague or a problem.

You get tired sometimes.

No comments:

Post a Comment