I've wanted to serve God as a pastor and preacher since the 4th Grade. I've never lost sight of that goal completely, and it's where my heart and soul is oriented. The process in the Episcopal church is a lot more difficult than it would be if I were a different kind of denomination, but it's something I don't mind going through. My problem is I'm wondering how to integrate my personal life into my ministry. First, I see my inadequacies for this so clearly. I am not disciplined enough. I'm not hardworking enough. I lack the social graces, the facility with language, the requisite knowledge that other people have. I am temperamentally conservative in a denomination which rewards those who are temperamentally progressive. I'm theologically moderate in a denomination that prizes and rewards unorthodox thinking. The list could go on and on and on.
But more immediately, I'm thinking about being yoked to an erratic person as my life partner. He's truly the love of my life, but there is nothing about him that conventionally would seem attractive. He's a big, burly, hairy guy who smokes, and seems to swing wildly between being a self loathing side B gay who rejects the validity of gay relationships and is solely devoted to his theologically conservative church, and a agnostic, or rather anti-church, young man who wants nothing to do with organized religion. He can't meet me in the middle, which is troubling to me.
But even as I'm writing this, I feel like scripture is running through my mind. I think about the Apostle Paul saying that his strength is made perfect in his weaknesses, and how he boasted in them because through them he could show that it wasn't him but the God in him who was at work in his life and ministry. Not by his own strength, wisdom, or capacity, but by God's. I'm also reminded of the story of the prophet Hosea and Gomer. Gomer did not seem like the best option for a man like Hosea. She was a prostitute, a woman who would have lived on the edge of her society, while Hosea was a prophet. And in their relationship, a casual observer would have seen their skepticism to be well-founded. She often left him and cheated on him. Even after they had their first 2 kids. But he loved her. And always went back for her, always took her back in, always left himself vulnerable to her. And God said that this love was like the love that God had for Israel. And later in the Gospels, when Paul states that those who are married should love one another as Christ loves the Church, he's alluding to stories like that of Gomer.
There is nothing I can do to prepare myself fully for the journey ahead or the work that I believe that I am called to do. All I can do is throw myself into the merciful hands of Almighty God and let him do his good work in me until it is accomplished. So my prayer is that God would take my life and my love and mold it to his service. I know that if I put my relationship with Will and my personal life in his hands, he will transform me into a person who can participate in the amazing work of being a presbyter in God's Universal and Apostolic Church.
But more immediately, I'm thinking about being yoked to an erratic person as my life partner. He's truly the love of my life, but there is nothing about him that conventionally would seem attractive. He's a big, burly, hairy guy who smokes, and seems to swing wildly between being a self loathing side B gay who rejects the validity of gay relationships and is solely devoted to his theologically conservative church, and a agnostic, or rather anti-church, young man who wants nothing to do with organized religion. He can't meet me in the middle, which is troubling to me.
But even as I'm writing this, I feel like scripture is running through my mind. I think about the Apostle Paul saying that his strength is made perfect in his weaknesses, and how he boasted in them because through them he could show that it wasn't him but the God in him who was at work in his life and ministry. Not by his own strength, wisdom, or capacity, but by God's. I'm also reminded of the story of the prophet Hosea and Gomer. Gomer did not seem like the best option for a man like Hosea. She was a prostitute, a woman who would have lived on the edge of her society, while Hosea was a prophet. And in their relationship, a casual observer would have seen their skepticism to be well-founded. She often left him and cheated on him. Even after they had their first 2 kids. But he loved her. And always went back for her, always took her back in, always left himself vulnerable to her. And God said that this love was like the love that God had for Israel. And later in the Gospels, when Paul states that those who are married should love one another as Christ loves the Church, he's alluding to stories like that of Gomer.
There is nothing I can do to prepare myself fully for the journey ahead or the work that I believe that I am called to do. All I can do is throw myself into the merciful hands of Almighty God and let him do his good work in me until it is accomplished. So my prayer is that God would take my life and my love and mold it to his service. I know that if I put my relationship with Will and my personal life in his hands, he will transform me into a person who can participate in the amazing work of being a presbyter in God's Universal and Apostolic Church.
No comments:
Post a Comment