Monday, May 28, 2018

Do I want this? Yes, I do.

So, it's been an interesting weekend, lol.

I had the opportunity to travel back to my homeland. I ostensibly went to enjoy the beaches and sunlight that I believe should make Michigan renowned the world over as a tourist destination. But in reality, I went to see Will, a friend who I'd like to be more than friends with. Our relationship has been long, drawn out and complicated. We're both awkward and sensitive personalities, both anxiety-ridden. I might be slightly depressive, while he has been diagnosed with OCD, Anxiety, and Bipolar Disorder-2. Add to that we're both from rural Michigan and products of a very intense, moderately conservative Christian background and you've got a recipe for dysfunction.

Yet I keep being drawn to him, like a moth to a flame. I know he's not my only option for a relationship. I'm handsome, I'm loving, I work hard. I'm not perfect by any means, but I'm not bad. So I could have other people in my life. But Will is always on my mind. He's the first guy I ever really fell for, the first guy I've ever wanted to be in a relationship with.  I love his sensitive, caring nature. I love his intelligence, his simplicity, his compassion, his work ethic, his ability to bounce back from adversity. And he's a cute guy to boot. He's a gentle giant, at least to my short self, lol.

So when I decided to reevaluate my life after breaking up with my boyfriend of almost 3 years, giving Will another chance quickly became top of mind. I wasn't sure if he was interested, but in March, he contacted me and let me know he might be. And so that inspired me to make plans to see him, which I did.

We met. It was so awkward! And it was so wonderful! And it's left me feeling so discombobulated!
The awkwardness was our conversation. We talked about deep, painful things quite a bit. We were very vulnerable to each other, something we're not used to doing. It was hard. But we did it! The thing that made it wonderful was the intimacy we shared. Again, this is not something either of us is used to, sharing our bodies with others. We tasted each other's tongues, we brushed our lips together, I swallowed his cock and licked his balls, I caressed his nipples, I tasted his precum. I inhaled his smell. We held each other tight. It was nice. I loved it. And I loved being with him.

I feel discombobulated because the mixture of awkwardness, intimacy, and vulnerability, was coupled with a vagueness about where we stand. It's not a formal relationship yet, which I desperately wish was the case, but it's more than just "bros being bros". And I'm not sure if he's about to call the whole thing off or call me to tell me we should get married. This is anxiety producing because I hate uncertainty. I'm always visioning and calculating my future plans, constantly updating and reevaluating my next steps. What I'm I planning to do in the next month, in the next 5 months, in the next year, in the next 5 years.

And I hate wanting things I can't have. When that's the case, I usually put it down in my mind, search for flaws, for why it isn't worth it in some way. All so that when the final disappointment hits, the blow won't be as painful and debilitating as it otherwise might have been. But it's one thing to numb yourself to objects and opportunities. It's another thing to numb yourself to people, and I don't want to ever numb myself to Will. He deserves all of me, unfiltered. And I deserve to be in a relationship where I can be vulnerable with someone.

So, this lends itself to the question, is this what you want? What you really want? It's not an easy situation, and the outcome isn't certain...

We sat at a place called Lookout Point. Will sat next to me, mostly staring silently ahead. Sometimes stretching. He then reached out and kneaded my lower thigh, just above the knee. He asked me if anyone had ever done that before. I told him that he had, once long ago. We were silent again. Then he asked me what I was thinking. I told him that I was remembering that he had tried to kiss me the day that he had done that to me the first time. Then I looked him in the eye and asked: "You like me, don't you?" "Yes", he replied. After another long silence, I asked him what he was thinking about? "I was thinking that I really want to kiss you", he said. "You can kiss me now if you want", I replied. And he did.

Is this what I want? Yes. And is he who I want? Yes, I do.







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