I wonder if this is a good idea?

If I talk to the Bishop and the local Parish Priest and maybe the head of the vestry about my desire to begin my discernment process with them, in advance, would that work? It seems audacious, but it might be a good idea.....

Why do I love him? The things that make Will "Will", that make up who he is from day to day, from how he looks to what he likes, ring in my soul like a beautiful, bittersweet song. It fills me with an ache, a longing, a desire. This isn't always a nice feeling, but it is powerful, and it will not let me go. But I do not want it to. Instead I want to live with this song in my soul for as long as we exist, he and I.

Moon shot.

The Oxford dictionary defines a "Moonshot" as "An extremely ambitious and innovative project".
The term is based on the early Lunar missions of the US, and how they conceived to reach the Moon in their spacecraft. It involves calculating the gravitational pull of the earth and the Moon, the momentum to be gained from orbiting the earth, the perfect alignment of the Earth and the Moon and the trajectory of the spacecraft in between, bridging the distance. It's difficult, but the worth of a moonshot was and is incalculable. And, most importantly, it's possible.

For a variety of personal reasons, I've made the decision to be ordained in the Episcopal Diocese of Western Michigan. This would be good news if it were not for the fact that I live in the Episcopal Diocese of Ohio, and am getting long in the tooth as it were. I love Western Michigan, it's my homeland, the place that always calls out to me. And I'd love to return. But it's a costly move and making enough money to move takes time, furthermore, it takes a lot of work to do.

I'm not one for taking leaps of faith. I believe in God, but I also believe in responsibility and consequences. I spent my whole life suffering because of the reckless but well-meaning decisions my Mother took that didn't work according to plan. That's part of the reason I'm in this situation to begin with. But I also know that the only way I can accomplish my dreams is by putting myself out there and taking risks.

So, here's the plan. Starting next month, I'll put between 150-300 dollars a month in my savings account each month until I'm done paying off my bills. Then I'll save between 750-900 dollars a month for 2 years after that. This money will go towards 3 things. First, it will go towards purchasing a car, which will give me mobility. Second, it will go towards paying for college. Third, it will go towards paying for the move. This will not be easy. But I believe in a God who can work miracles. That faith has been buffeted over the past 8 years, but it's still there. So I put my life and my future in his hands, trusting that he will help me to accomplish my goals and dreams fo bettering myself so I can better serve Him and His people.

So, you want to be a Priest?

I've wanted to serve God as a pastor and preacher since the 4th Grade. I've never lost sight of that goal completely, and it's where my heart and soul is oriented. The process in the Episcopal church is a lot more difficult than it would be if I were a different kind of denomination, but it's something I don't mind going through. My problem is I'm wondering how to integrate my personal life into my ministry. First, I see my inadequacies for this so clearly. I am not disciplined enough. I'm not hardworking enough. I lack the social graces, the facility with language, the requisite knowledge that other people have. I am temperamentally conservative in a denomination which rewards those who are temperamentally progressive. I'm theologically moderate in a denomination that prizes and rewards unorthodox thinking. The list could go on and on and on.

But more immediately, I'm thinking about being yoked to an erratic person as my life partner. He's truly the love of my life, but there is nothing about him that conventionally would seem attractive. He's a big, burly, hairy guy who smokes, and seems to swing wildly between being a self loathing side B gay who rejects the validity of gay relationships and is solely devoted to his theologically conservative church, and a agnostic, or rather anti-church, young man who wants nothing to do with organized religion. He can't meet me in the middle, which is troubling to me.

But even as I'm writing this, I feel like scripture is running through my mind. I think about the Apostle Paul saying that his strength is made perfect in his weaknesses, and how he boasted in them because through them he could show that it wasn't him but the God in him who was at work in his life and ministry. Not by his own strength, wisdom, or capacity, but by God's. I'm also reminded of the story of the prophet Hosea and Gomer. Gomer did not seem like the best option for a man like Hosea. She was a prostitute, a woman who would have lived on the edge of her society, while Hosea was a prophet. And in their relationship, a casual observer would have seen their skepticism to be well-founded. She often left him and cheated on him. Even after they had their first 2 kids. But he loved her. And always went back for her, always took her back in, always left himself vulnerable to her. And God said that this love was like the love that God had for Israel. And later in the Gospels, when Paul states that those who are married should love one another as Christ loves the Church, he's alluding to stories like that of Gomer.

There is nothing I can do to prepare myself fully for the journey ahead or the work that I believe that I am called to do. All I can do is throw myself into the merciful hands of Almighty God and let him do his good work in me until it is accomplished. So my prayer is that God would take my life and my love and mold it to his service. I know that if I put my relationship with Will and my personal life in his hands, he will transform me into a person who can participate in the amazing work of being a presbyter in God's Universal and Apostolic Church. 

Things Will likes. Flying.

Will loves flying. He loves the check in, the crowds, the anticipation, the boarding procedure, take off, the food, everything!

Definitely have to take him on some flights in the future. Definitely going to Germany.

Me? Gaming?

I've never been much of a gamer, but the guy I like excels at it, so I'm interested in learning how to play. My goal is to learn to play some games over the next few years.

Here's a list of games I might be interested in.

Rayman legends
Journey
Zelda
Life is Strange
Dunwall/corvo

I hope I can find other games, especially ones I like.

Do I want this? Yes, I do.

So, it's been an interesting weekend, lol.

I had the opportunity to travel back to my homeland. I ostensibly went to enjoy the beaches and sunlight that I believe should make Michigan renowned the world over as a tourist destination. But in reality, I went to see Will, a friend who I'd like to be more than friends with. Our relationship has been long, drawn out and complicated. We're both awkward and sensitive personalities, both anxiety-ridden. I might be slightly depressive, while he has been diagnosed with OCD, Anxiety, and Bipolar Disorder-2. Add to that we're both from rural Michigan and products of a very intense, moderately conservative Christian background and you've got a recipe for dysfunction.

Yet I keep being drawn to him, like a moth to a flame. I know he's not my only option for a relationship. I'm handsome, I'm loving, I work hard. I'm not perfect by any means, but I'm not bad. So I could have other people in my life. But Will is always on my mind. He's the first guy I ever really fell for, the first guy I've ever wanted to be in a relationship with.  I love his sensitive, caring nature. I love his intelligence, his simplicity, his compassion, his work ethic, his ability to bounce back from adversity. And he's a cute guy to boot. He's a gentle giant, at least to my short self, lol.

So when I decided to reevaluate my life after breaking up with my boyfriend of almost 3 years, giving Will another chance quickly became top of mind. I wasn't sure if he was interested, but in March, he contacted me and let me know he might be. And so that inspired me to make plans to see him, which I did.

We met. It was so awkward! And it was so wonderful! And it's left me feeling so discombobulated!
The awkwardness was our conversation. We talked about deep, painful things quite a bit. We were very vulnerable to each other, something we're not used to doing. It was hard. But we did it! The thing that made it wonderful was the intimacy we shared. Again, this is not something either of us is used to, sharing our bodies with others. We tasted each other's tongues, we brushed our lips together, I swallowed his cock and licked his balls, I caressed his nipples, I tasted his precum. I inhaled his smell. We held each other tight. It was nice. I loved it. And I loved being with him.

I feel discombobulated because the mixture of awkwardness, intimacy, and vulnerability, was coupled with a vagueness about where we stand. It's not a formal relationship yet, which I desperately wish was the case, but it's more than just "bros being bros". And I'm not sure if he's about to call the whole thing off or call me to tell me we should get married. This is anxiety producing because I hate uncertainty. I'm always visioning and calculating my future plans, constantly updating and reevaluating my next steps. What I'm I planning to do in the next month, in the next 5 months, in the next year, in the next 5 years.

And I hate wanting things I can't have. When that's the case, I usually put it down in my mind, search for flaws, for why it isn't worth it in some way. All so that when the final disappointment hits, the blow won't be as painful and debilitating as it otherwise might have been. But it's one thing to numb yourself to objects and opportunities. It's another thing to numb yourself to people, and I don't want to ever numb myself to Will. He deserves all of me, unfiltered. And I deserve to be in a relationship where I can be vulnerable with someone.

So, this lends itself to the question, is this what you want? What you really want? It's not an easy situation, and the outcome isn't certain...

We sat at a place called Lookout Point. Will sat next to me, mostly staring silently ahead. Sometimes stretching. He then reached out and kneaded my lower thigh, just above the knee. He asked me if anyone had ever done that before. I told him that he had, once long ago. We were silent again. Then he asked me what I was thinking. I told him that I was remembering that he had tried to kiss me the day that he had done that to me the first time. Then I looked him in the eye and asked: "You like me, don't you?" "Yes", he replied. After another long silence, I asked him what he was thinking about? "I was thinking that I really want to kiss you", he said. "You can kiss me now if you want", I replied. And he did.

Is this what I want? Yes. And is he who I want? Yes, I do.