Sunday, January 13, 2013


I'm frustrated right now.
Sometimes it seems like I'm forever destined to striving, but never achieving my goals. Cursed to always be doing things that I have absolutely no interest in for the sake of survival, either that or die of starvation.
I just went online to look at scholarships and grants and it felt like there was absolutely nothing there for me. None of those programs seemed to be ones that I could use in any way. None.
It has shown a light on the rarefied nature of much of my current academic and career goals. I still want to do them, but I'm starting to feel like I'll never have the opportunity to because of lack of finances.
I hate to rely so much on the help of others, but I'm not working for t he big bucks as it were. And so my life is dependent on the largess of  family members, and I feel like my future freedom to live my life independent of their worldviews, confident in my own morality, is seriously at risk.
I need to break free!
But I can't get free. And I don't know what to do.

I just want to do what is right. What I believe is right. And I want to receive the kind of education in which the few talents that I have can be maximized to meet the needs of a future career in the fields that I find to be interesting. I want to succeed so badly, but not at any price. Not by selling my soul for cheap to any one for any reason. And I am so scared that I might have to. Because I know that I would lose to much of my self in such an arrangement.

To any who may read this int he future, this is not a request for sympathy or advice.
This is just my\e getting my fear out.

I'll survive.

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