Monday, March 10, 2014

Francis is willing.

I'm giving myself the new task of writing at least 100 words today on a subject that pops into my head. I'm not much of a free writer or much into free writing. I'm not much into writing period actually, but I have to find a way to improve my writing skills, so writing 100 words a day at least should do wonders in improving it. So what should I write about?

I was thinking about adding a piece about my almost boyfriend. I have an almost boyfriend, a guy who is always on the brink of being in a relationship with me, but at the last minute withdraws. We've been playing this game for at least 3 years now. 5  if you count our initial encounter.  I don't really know why I want him so much. He's 2 years younger than me, has Bipolar Disorder, doesn't live near me, is taller than me (which is usually something I don't want), is hairy (another thing I didn't want), is essentially a cub/bear (not my type), drinks, smokes, is an almost amoral sexual libertine in his hypomanic and manic phases, and in his depressive phases thinks being gay is a sin which has him hell bound.

This is not the kind of baggage anyone needs, not least a person like myself. And based on the (5 ? 7 ? I've lost count) times when he's kicked the possibility of us to the curb, I shouldn't even want to be NEAR a guy like this. So what is the attraction? I don't know. He's cute, even with the scruff. And he has a beautiful voice, the sound of which drives me wild. His smile is beautiful, his face at rest is beautiful. And in my fantasy of what life would be like with him, he'd just be so warm, and I'd feel safe and secure, comfortable in his arms. He is also intelligent and loving, with a soft heart and an odd affection for children and play. I think that at his best, he is a reflection of things that are not part of myself. The Yin to my Yang as it were. I think that is what continues to draw me. And what is causing me to wait.

In David Copperfield, there is a character named Mr. Barkiss who was famed for waiting for the woman he wanted for years and years. His trademark phrase was always the same: Barkiss is willing.
I guess that would have to be MY trademark phrase, at least for now, in relation to the almost boyfriend.
Who knows? There are many fish in and I might find another to thrill my heart like he does. A safer person, more to my specified likings. But until that day comes I must say: Francis is willing.

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