I wonder as I wander out under the sky....

Something miraculous happened to me.
On April 11, one week ago today, William Schlichter messaged me back. I cannot express to you how amazing it was to talk to him and have him respond! I can't believe I got so lucky.  He scares me, I always am waiting for the other shoe to drop and for him to tell me this was a mistake so I can go back to the safety of him as fantasy and phantasm rather than him as fact. But my heart dares to hope that love can spring from such an inauspicious and unlikely beginning as ours. I'm going to take this one day, week or month at a time. I love him, even though I'm afraid to say that to him directly, lest I scare him off. But I hope i can tell him this one day and have it be words Will cherishes. I hope.

When the glory comes, we'll tear your kingdom down.

I've been thinking a lot about DACA this week. And as I reflected on the horror of what it is Republicans are trying to do, the rank immorality and evil of their immigration policy, and the lives of people i know who would be directly affected, I couldn't help but to despair of this country. But as I worked the Lord gave me some songs to bolster my courage. The first was "Glory" by John Legend, the second, "Satan We're Going To Tear Your Kingdom Down" by Rev. Shirley Caesar. Both of these songs are songs of hope and defiance, letting the Republican doers of evil know that though our hearts may be broken our souls never will. And that God himself will come down from the heavens to fight for the rights if the foreigner, the widow, and the orphans if need be.
      And we'll cry "Glory"........

Journeying with Quakerism and the need for foundations.

I've decided to give Quakerism another chance. This decision has not been an easy one to come to. If you look through the archives of this blog, you'll find this is the second time I've written these words. It seems that whenever I feel adrift, I reconsider whether to give this sorry denomination a chance. But there is something in my heart and mind that tells me this faith may be redeemable.

One of the things that frustrates me about Quakers is the lack of an authoritative tradition to work with. I don't believe traditions are to be swallowed hook line and sinker, or that we should understand things exactly as religious people of old understood them. But I do believe that it's essential for a religion to have a core set of creeds and beliefs that believers can live in dialogue with. And I don't think that S.P. I. C. E. is enough to ground Quakers or distinguish them from secular liberal society.

 I guess I'll have to develop my own Quaker theology and start spreading it. But developing a theology is no small task. So, I'm going to take the theological literature about Quakers that I currently have and read them alongside the biblical text. As I read, I'm going to reflect on what I think is a theology for friends that has life and a future.

Back to square 1. Or is it square 3?

I've been thinking a lot lately about going back to the turning point and choosing another path. This blog is great for this line of thought because it records precisely where the recent big change in my life happened: 2014.

As I've looked back through the record this blog provides, I'm shocked at how much change was crammed in to one year. I went to a Quaker seminary, joined a monthly meeting, became disillusioned with Quakerism, and joined the Episcopal Church. I began the year disappointed by Will, waited for change, and gave up on the possibility of being with him. I met Corban, fell in love, then committed my life to him. I found out my father had a secret family and met them for the first time. I drank wine for the first time in my first Holy Eucharist.

So much happened so fast....

In light of recent events, I'm wondering if I made the right decisions? I think they were the right decisions at the time, but were they? I don't know.

I'm reconsidering Quakerism and Will right now, and I'm not sure if either, both, or neither is the right path forward right now, but I'm willing to consider the possibility.

2 weeks ago, I was confronted with the end of 2 parts of my life which were very dear to me. A relationship which defined my future path, and a potential move that looked like a solution to the challenges I've faced for almost a decade. But now that those paths forward have ended, I get to reassess my situation from where I was 3 years ago.

I'm financially better off and more mentally prepared to do what's needed then I ever was before.  And mu expenses are low and soon will be even lower. So I'm going to try to view my present circumstances as God opening a door for me, providing a way in the wilderness.

The Lord is my keeper, the Lord is the shade at my right hand......

So, I won't be afraid to search for the Light which, coming into the world, gives light to every man. Or at least, I won't let fear deter me from the search.

Thinking about my "introversion" and "anxiety".

I've always considered myself to be very emotionally "sensitive". Being anxious and introverted has been part of my  entire conscious existence. I get anxiety so bad that my mind goes blank when I'm doing routine work or chores. I walk around with frequent pain in my chest from anxiety.

But, except for a brief period when I was 4 or 5, I've never considered myself a person suffering from Mental Illness. I've just assumed that most people feel sad or anxious most of the time. 

I talked to my Mom about this, and her response was generally consistent with the upbringing she had. Unless you're unable to function, feelings of depression and anxiety are solved by serving God correctly and praying regularly and constantly. I'm sure that helps, but that response didn't feel like she takes mild forms of mental and emotional distress seriously. I'll try to listen to her advice, but I think I might need therapy. We'll see.